the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
