Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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