I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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