I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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