someone threw a dead crab at me
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
