My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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