its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
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Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
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I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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