This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
