Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
