he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
