There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
