So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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