cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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