shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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