she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
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SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
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There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.