3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
