I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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