Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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