i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I want a musical about memes.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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