My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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