Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
where are you?
Hypothermia
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
