I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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