please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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