My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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