you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
