I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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