Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
