i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
