she was so not down for the gang bang
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
