I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
