Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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