matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
