I could make wine with my vomit
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
