I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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