P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
