What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
