Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
