I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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