I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
