if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
