i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
