omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
