My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
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he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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