Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
