The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
