why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
