sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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