fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
