I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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