his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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