my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
