I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
