no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
