roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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