A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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