it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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