Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
