I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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