Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
